A mother was watching her favorite TV soap opera when her son came home from school early, having skipped his last class. She just waved at him, and kept watching the TV. So the boy went to his room to play video games. An opportunity to connect with him, to find out what was going on inside and find out why he came home early, was lost.
I suspect that many parents might do little more than this: grunt a greeting, and keep on watching some strangers’ drama. Sad, because they could be connecting to possible dramas their children are experiencing, and even help them towards a positive outcome.
Same for husbands and wives: the TV, YouTube or “social media” gadgets are often barriers to communication.
To enhance your conversational skills, the first thing to do is to be interested in others; stay curious. Remember that people like talking about themselves, and it’s not hard, usually, to engage them in conversation.
There are two kinds of questions you can use. Closed-ended, call for a specific, usually short, answer. E.G., What is your major? Who’s your favorite teacher? Open-ended questions call for an explanation. What happened in school today that led you to come home early? They give psychological freedom to the other person, and enable you to draw him or her out. You can even ask about fields you are ignorant about, like What drew you towards your job?
Questions should be gently probing, not like you’re a prosecutor, as in What did you do wrong this time? Children’s, like spouses’, dignity needs to be respected. You want a safe, friendly communication environment, in which everyone feels free to talk about what they feel about things.
The next item, self-disclosure, is revealing pertinent and personal information that others would not know just by observing you. You do not want to dominate the conversation, and turn it into a monologue. The mother in the opening vignette could have said I’m puzzled, son. . . .
Finally, remember that listening to and sharing with another person, especially one within your household, is an important way of edifying him or her—as Scripture enjoins (Ro. 14:9). It is one way of fulfilling the command to “Love your neighbor as yourself”, even in your home. (More on listening next week.)
According to Transactional Analysis, drawing another person out, with some self-disclosure, is a way for both of you to stay in the Adult.
Recently my wife said something to me which felt like her Parent part was criticizing me, and it hurt my feelings (meaning self-image). So I got up and went to the bedroom and sulked—then prayed—for a while. Then I came out and reported on my feelings about the matter, and asked her why did that. She responded graciously, with an apology and an explanation about how she wanted me to be “perfect.” (Impossible!) We then were in the Adult, and able to talk about other things comfortably.